by Jesse Ayers, San Quentin State Prison, CA
I was reading some of my latest Beat Within publications and I realized I write a lot about pain. I started wondering, “Why do I write so much about pain?”
Here is what I came with. When I start living a life full of love, joy, and happiness. Then I’ll start writing about love, joy, and happiness. Until then, I’m gonna tell you all about what I know, pain and suffering!
I know I haven’t experienced the same pain that some of you have. I met people in prison that have been raped when they were little kids. I don’t know what that’s like. Some of the people I met who were raped became killers for hire or just for revenge. It’s like they killed other people to release the pain they held inside. But pain like that (resentment) is corrosive to the human heart. Poison like that needs to get out.
When I was about five years old, an older kid about seven years old, somehow beat me up and when I woke up (I had been unconscious), I had this kid on top of me. His butt was sitting on my bare chest and we were both covered in feces. He was laughing. I was crying. I ran home and my mom cleaned me up.
All these years later, I talked to my mom about that day. I almost wished it was a nightmare and that I imagined it.
My mom just sighed and said, “That made me so mad. I don’ know what was wrong with that kid. I never let you go over there again.”
Today, I wonder what was wrong with that kid? Who hurt him? Why did he do that to me? I gotta understand that no matter how much I hurt, I did not deserve to be hurt, and neither do you. Nothing you did ever deserved to be returned with my abuse or violence. It’s not your fault.
Shame says, “There’s something wrong with me.”
Guilt says, “There’s something wrong with what I did.”
While you are in Juvie, DOJ, jail or prison, you did something wrong.
But breaking the law doesn’t mean your childhood abuse and neglect was okay. It takes years of talking, a little at a time, sometimes a lot all at once, to really peel back the layers and get to the core of what our resentment is all about.
After the Larry Nassar trial I found out he molested over 300 girls who do gymnastics. None of those girls became child molesters, murderers or serial killers. I said all that to say that we don’t have to repeat the trauma that happens to us.
So many people today want to retaliate right away, or later, for stuff that happened to them or someone they know. What I believe is that if you catch someone in the act of attempting to harm you, your family, a loved one, or just some person on the street, I believe no jury will find you guilty for “doing what you gotta do” to protect yourself, or someone else.
But cold blooded Retaliation is not ok. Call the cops. Call 911! That’s what they are there for. We all have a life to live. I am forty-two. I gotta get on TV. Do movies, sing these songs, tell these jokes, be on TIKTOK and YouTube. I can’t be out there chasing people down for disrespecting me. That’s on them.
Haters make you famous! 50% gonna hate me but that means 50% is gonna love me. I am truly sorry for all my crimes and I do apologize to all my victims. I am a happy person. Healed.
I’ll never hurt anyone again.