by Leo Cardez, Dixon Correctional Center in Dixon, Illinois
I was called to see the nurse today for my annual check-out. Towards the end of my visit she quietly turned around gloved up, lubed up, and instructed to drop my shots, turn around and bend over.
“What, why?” I pleaded.
It was time for my prostrate exam, she explained.
My first thought was, damn I should have made sure to wash my ass before I came over here today. Then I remember reading in the Department of Corrections Manual that prostate exams weren’t required until you’re over forty-five.
I pleaded my case, but she calmly explained, “You’re forty-six this year.”
“I am?!”
I thought I was turning forty-four. Where did I lose two years? Was she sure? She was. It’s weird because a part of me still feels twenty-three, ready to take on the world; and part of me feels 230, ready for a nice nap.
But the actual factual age I currently am is forty-six, officially middle-aged. Forty-six is officially more older than younger, not quite over the hill but damn near. I wondered, what have I learned in my almost half century of life? Below you will find twenty-two lessons I’ve learn from a life lived in extremes.
I’ve made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Spoiler Alert: It’s all small stuff. You to learn how to block out all the “noise.” Social media and media in general can be great, but it can also inundate our brain with images of what we aren’t or point out how we’re failing. It’s hard not to be affected or infected with these unrealistic and unhealthy expectations.
We must unlearn the constant search for external validation. We should not allow others to define us. Like the comedian, Kat Williams, once joked, “How are you mad at me for messing with your self-esteem? Self-esteem is how YOU feel about YOU!”
Be nice, but smart about it. Being nice to everyone all the time sounds like good advice, but it can get you in a lot of trouble. I was raised to be kind and polite, but quickly learned that in prison kindness is often mistaken as weakness. There will always be someone who will try to take advantage of this trait in you.
I’m reminded of an adage I once heard. There are three kinds of people in the world: wolves, sheep and sheep dogs. You either pick one or life picks one for you. I suppose, to a degree I agree, but I’d add one more type: a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Prison has taught me the importance of growing a back-bone, trusting your gut, and knowing when to strike back, be like a snake and only bite if someone steps on you. Trial and error is to be human. We try. We fail. We try again and so it goes.
I have tried and failed at the highest (and lowest) levels having experienced wonderful peaks and spectacular valleys throughout my life.
Overall, it’s good to mess up and learn from it. It’s especially good to do this while we’re young because we’re still searching for our identity. Carpe Diem and all that: travel, date, explore, learn challenge yourself, you get the idea. When I was nineteen I took a semester off from college, a beat up old Jeep, 1400 dollars and a German Shepherd mix named Buddy and drove from Illinois to Orlando, Florida on a whim.
It took me three days and by the time I arrived my jeep had thrown a rod, my dog died and I had $50 left to my name. I was homeless, living in 1984 Nissan Station wagon, but somehow a few months later I had a job as a server at Walt Disney World’s Grand Polynesian Resort clearing over a grand a week, living in a lake house in Kissimmee, and driving a classic MG convertible.
I was too young and stupid to feel sorry for myself as I was relegated to .59 cent burgers for breakfast, lunch and dinner and showering for free at the Y. To me, it was an adventure and I was surviving; correction, thriving.
NO, this is not an excuse to quit your job, move to LA and become an actor. That’s not what I’m saying or do it, whatever, maybe you’ll learn from it. What I’m saying is: do you, no regrets. If you’re searching, then go search.
Leave the drama for your mama. Every day we wake up with a set amount of energy to expel. Don’t let anyone steal it and waste it on negativity. I don’t care who it is. If someone in your life is hurting you or draining you, block their number, avoid them, get as far away as possible and as quick as possible. It’s that simple. No one worth your time should be hurting you.
Fear is one of the most powerful forces on the planet. No one can say they are completely fearless, but every day we can decide how much we allow fear to dictate our lives. My biggest fear is getting hurt in prison. In my first few years incarcerated, I’ve seen guys lose an eye, suffer permanent brain damage, and even die. I didn’t know how I was going to stay safe for ten years.
I expelled an enormous amount of time, planning, and effort to keep myself healthy and safe. My fear of violence held into all aspects of my life. I keep band-aide, gauze, and an army medical manual in my box, just in case.
I keep my head on a swivel and stay attuned to the energy and body language of any room I enter. You see enough guys getting their ass handed to them and you start prepping for the worst. I’ve made my will and final wishes known to my family and the prison administration.
It doesn’t matter how tough or big you are, if you’re jumped by 10 guys with shives, you’re eff-ed. But living in constant fear is exhausting and no life at all. Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world; the love I’ve witnessed and the faith I have in the ultimate goodness of humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.
In prison, there’s an unspoken convict code every inmate is expected to adhere to or suffer consequences. Some rules I agree with and match my character, while others I don’t and I’ve done my time accordingly.
I refuse to let outside opinions establish the value I place on my own life choices. I follow my own value system taught to me by my parents, my faith and my heart. If I am going to succeed or fail in life it will be because of the choices I made.
Learn to cook some basic healthy dishes; use herbs and spices, mix textures (crispy, crunchy, soft) flavors (sweet and salty) and challenge yourself.
Always keep tape. In here, I make do by peeling the labels from my cosmetics (shampoo, deodorant, etc.) and using the stick side as a makeshift adhesive. Upon my release, after my pizza from Joe’s Italian Villa, I’m making a stop at Target for some tape.
Real men apologize if they’ve made a mistake, especially to their loves ones. Fault is really a minor issue, it doesn’t take anything from you and it gives so much to others. Try to avoid justifying or explaining. Keep it simple, short and sincere. It will not only help you mend relationships and builds stronger ties moving forward.
Vitamins and supplements work. Some argue we piss most of their nutritional value away. Others say any benefits are a result of a placebo effect. Well, all I know is, since I started taking fish oil my blood test results have improved and I feel stronger. Do your research and talk to your doctor before starting any new health regiment.
Learn the difference between lifelong friendships and situation-ships. There is something about being put into an extreme or new circumstances (e.g.. army, college, prison) where we are hurled together with others that can feel like they’ve become your chosen family.
Sometimes (rarely), will they be there for the rest of your life; or maybe (likely) they will be your friends during an important phase. I’m sorry (not sorry) but sometimes when you grow or you outgrow or grow apart from even your best-est friends, it has torn my heart out and I have mourned more friendships than I care to remember, but my only solace, I always keep the memories.
Along the same lines, learn who your real family is. Family shows up in the worst of times. Friends only appear during the good times. Family cares about your well-being and will help you through life’s ups and downs. Never forget the ones who’ve stuck around. They might not be the flashy, fun ones, but your family is your rock.
Respect and appreciate. Stop stressing over every little thing. The older you get the more you realize there’s real problems and then there is everything else. Your health, and your family, those are real, worry about them. Don’t let life’s constant fluctuations occupy too much space in your day. Focus on what matters and let everything else go.
Give yourself lots of attainable mini-goals and reward yourself when you’ve accomplished them. I’ve gone through some dark, low times but I’ve always found a tiny bit of relief and hope when I have something to look forward to. It doesn’t have to be big, it just has to be something you look forward to. It is easy to get overwhelmed in the utter nonsense of now so it is good to get some perspective and see that life can and will get better; and it’s really up to us.
Bullies suck. They want to be feared and taken seriously. I’ve had a bully as a cellie on more than one occasion. I’ve told them I respect them, but I won’t be scared and even laughed in one of their faces when he tried to intimidate me. Rather than set him off, it disarmed him.
Now, he’s one of my best friends. You may not be able to physically overcome every bully you ever encounter, but you can get satisfaction from surviving and even thriving in spite of them.
When tragedy strikes someone you know in a way you’ve never dealt with before (accused of a crime, prison death, divorce, etc.) it is okay to say you do not know what to say or do. Sometimes all you can do is just say you are sorry and most of the time that is enough. BUT it is not okay to disappear from their life in their darkest hour.
Your support is all someone needs when they are at their lowest point. Even if you can’t really help the situation it is nice for them to know that you would if you could. Loyalty can only truly exist when your relationship is tested. It is easy to be loyal when everything is hunky-dory. It is a whole other beast when the shhh hits the fan.
See a therapist and get some help. We all have issues and would benefit from talking to someone and trying to work them out. It is important to address our long-standing issues before we turn into the living embodiment of them. I thought I was pretty normal and stable, but it turns out my issues have issues and I need a team of Swedish specialists working on me 24-7. I’m okay with that and I’m on top of it.
Be nice to your skin. Nothing looks better in your 50’s than sunscreen in your 20’s. Moisturize after every shower and before bed. Wash your face with mild soap and cold water. Sleep 7-9 hours a night.
Vote! Your voice matters. Educate yourself on the issues and find candidates that align with your values. It is your right and responsibility for yourself and future generations.
I remember thinking my writing could improve with the misery of prison. There are common misconceptions that artist have to be miserable in order to make good art. That art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m grateful I’ve learned this isn’t true. We can find happiness and inspiration at the same time.
Forgive yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Do not keep punishing yourself with your past. Learn from it and be better moving forward. Love, yourself, of course, but love others too. Love deep and real. Mind games are for the young or ignorant. There is no time for that shhh. Tell your loved ones how you feel about them openly and often.