by Richie Angulo, Avenal State Prison in Avenal, CA
A few months ago my friend Mark recommended the book, “Healing The Shame That Binds You,” by John Bradshaw. It’s rare that a self-help book catches my attention, however this book turned my life upside down (in a good way). Reading this book allowed me to connect some dots from my past that I desperately needed.
Author Bradshaw distinguishes between healthy shame as an emotion versus toxic shame that can become an identity. Unfortunately, I allowed toxic shame to consume my life and strip me of the man I was supposed to be.
You see, when I was a young boy, I grew up embarrassed of my family. My three older brothers were involved in gangs, drugs, and criminal activity. I get up in their shadow never knowing how to relate to them. I was a nerd who enjoyed being myself.
When I hit puberty, I felt different because I knew I was attached to other boys. I didn’t know what to do with these feelings so I ran from them and pretended they didn’t exist. My shame caused me to isolate myself and avoid relationships with others, including my own family. The last thing I wanted was for my “cholo” brothers to find out their kid brother was a sissy.
Throughout my teenage years, my shame grew worse. I felt alone and didn’t know how to cope with life in a positive manner. I feared rejection so I continued living a lie pretending to be someone I wasn’t. My life spiraled out of control.
I can related when this book talks about how shame caused me to follow a a script of deception. I was afraid to be myself, first because I didn’t accept myself. This mentality kept me away from real meaningful relationships. I was addicted to playing the role of the person I created. I created a false-self, I was no longer a human-being, as I was a human doer.
Healing my shame that bonded me for years is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. Just like the author says, “to seek true healing we must gravitate towards the darkness. In my darkness is where I found a wounded child who needed me. I was able to confront my resentments, fears, insecurities, and pain that was trapped by all the same I harbored for years.
This book came into my life at the right time. Throughout my journey, I have returned to being the person I was created to be. I no longer allow toxic shame to rule my life. My relationships with my brothers are better. It feels good to allow family and friends to love me for who I am.