by None Of Your Business, Santa Clara
I Got sent to South Illinois to live with my pops when I was sixteen. I had a way different mind set then, from now. They told me, “If you want to get out of jail go outta state.”
To me that was a great offer. The only downside was that I had a lot of hatred towards my pops. When he was living out here he was less than 15 miles and he couldn’t see the kid or never did he check up on me.
I felt played that I had to travel thousands of miles to go see him and have a relationship with him when he wasn’t too far and could never see me. It never made any sense to me but I went and had a crappy as time out there. It was nobody’s fault but mine though. I just kept tryin’ to come home, argue and fight with my pops.
I wanted him to hurt like how I was. I could’ve just went out there and handled my shhh wit no problem. I did good while I was out there. I got my first job, learned some good construction trades and completed a semester of high school passing all of my classes. I didn’t realize how good I did or that I could ever even do that good till I came back. I was too focused on coming back. I didn’t want to come back to the streets and to the same eff-ed up shhh that I was doing. I was half-doing good to stay under the radar.
Nobody sent me out there to get closer with my pops or put me in a place to feel how I did. I turned it into that. So, I left and just to come back and do the same shhh. If it was to me I would take my as back out there or never would’ve left in the first place. I know now that I have it in me to do better.
I just need to not let certain shhh get to me. Shhh happens and shhh did happen period. You can’t change what happened but you can change what you’re gonna do about it and forgive.
My pops had his own problems and shhh he was going through so I can’t blame him for every single time he was never there. He was never really a real father to me but he’s showing he can be a real father now, by being a real father to my baby brother.