Category: The Beat Without

by Chaser, San Quentin State Prison, CA “It’s easier to fool people than to convince them that they’ve been fooled.” -Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain It’s easier to fool people then to convince them they have been fooled. This sounds like me as a teenager, specifically when it came to addiction. I was a drug addict and nobody could tell me anything. The biggest problem was I didn’t think I was a drug addict. I regulated my use (sometimes) and I knew older homeboys who were way worse. From the age of 12 I was drinking. At 13 I started smoking

by Donald Thompson, San Quentin State Prison, CA The sound that I wish I could forget is the sound of my sister’s voice when I called to talk to my mom. On January 26th, 1997, Super Bowl Sunday. I called my mom from the county jail where I had been since 1995, to tell her I missed her and loved her.  However, my sister answered the phone. She was unusually quiet, and so I asked, “What’s wrong?” I heard her sniffling and she began crying.  “Tell me what’s wrong!”   She was finally able to bring herself to say, “Momma

by Larry Johnson, San Quentin State Prison in San Quentin, CA As I think about three words that best describe me I first had to think about three words that I was not in the past. The words I list will not be in any order because for me they are all as important in my life and all now help me through my life. The first word I will use is “resilient.” This words means capable of withstanding adversity as marked by resilience. Also tending to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.”  Looking over my past

by Efren Bullard, Ironwood State Prison in Blythe, CA Hope is the one thing that I never had. To be told (by my lawyer and the courts) that Life Without Parole means that, “I can never go home,” was the most pain I ever felt in my life. I felt like my life was over. Like no matter how old I get, no one would ever give me a chance.  So I became very angry and violent until I was 40 years old. That’s when I began to realize, “I had to give myself a chance.” That’s when hope kicked

by Leo Cardez, Dixon Correctional Facility in Dixon, Illinois There is nothing exactly like living in Hell, but there is something close to it: Jail and Prison. In my Hell, where I lived for most of 2015, there is, as Dante understood, no hope. People think the worst part of being locked up is the loss of freedom. They are wrong. The worst part is the loss of hope and purpose. You wake up every morning realizing your nightmare will continue into your waking hours. The loss you have suffered is permanent. Life will never be the same. In many

by Armando R. Gonzalez and Floyd D. Collins, San Quentin State Prison, CA Ok Mr. Collins, the topic is “Building more trust.” Man, where do I begin? I guess first off for me, when I hear “Trust” I really hear vulnerability. When I think about trusting, I feel a mix of feelings, hurt, anxiety, excitement, longing, anger and hope. In my past I believed trust was a sucker’s bet. Today, I see that trust is not a feeling. It’s a choice. A decision that sometimes is made intuitively but often needs to be re-evaluated and remade. This might include communicating

by Elton Kelley, San Quentin State Prison, CA Seldom during my time of incarceration have I found anything of significant beauty. I understand it’s prison, after all, and beauty is not normally to be associated and certainly is not one of the prison’s design criterion.  A couple of years ago I spotted some deer grazing on the hill situated on the northwest end of San Quentin Peninsula where California’s oldest prison is located. The hilltop is visible from most vantage points within the facility so nearly anyone interested can catch a peek of whatever is going on up there. On

by Jesse Ayers, San Quentin State Prison, CA It took years for me to slowly recover. I used to be an emotional zombie, burnt the eff out! It really was (is) sad. I have been sober almost eight years now! This St. Patrick’s Day will be eight years clean! The purpose of me writing this to The Beat Within. My only purpose to my writing to The Beat Within, is to inspire someone else who might be going through the same thing.  Today I understand the neuropathic process of releasing endorphins inside the brain. It’s a lot like a MSD

by Juan Moreno Haines, San Quentin, CA I recently read something that said the average person lives 900 months. Then, I took my age 64, and multiplied it by twelve. 768. Wow. I have 132 months? Now, imagine how I might feel, having spent the last 321 months in prison. It’ll really ground you into reality. It made me think deeply about this prompt.  Today, I don’t do things that I know in my heart is wrong or would bring shame upon me. I don’t have time for that. You may have way more time on this planet than I

by Eric M., Youth Facility in Rikers Island in East Elmhurst, New York It can be crazy being a teen! For today, while I was getting my haircut I felt dizzy to the point of passing out. After my haircut I could not stand so I figured I’d feel better after a shower. I placed a chair inside the shower stripped off my clothing and sat in the chair as the cool water hit me.  After a bit I was a bit better, I got dressed. I was on my way to see staff out the medical station when I