by Michael Sperling, San Quentin State Prison, CA
My father mentally, physically, and emotionally abused me as a kid. He stripped me of my innocence and took my childhood away from me. He broke me as a child. It was so bad that I literally had to invent an alter ego to protect myself.
I did this to avoid dealing with that child whom was a broken victim. This alter-ego that I created was going to be no joke! I’m going to be someone you don’t want to mess with. I wasn’t going to be anyone’s victim anymore.
So, I got jumped into a violent Los Angeles street gang and gave myself a tough nickname. But the problem was in order for me to make sure I wouldn’t be victimized again, I now had to victimize others because hurt people, hurt people. As this alter-ego I made my mark. That was a dangerous, violent, gangster that you didn’t want to cross paths with. For the next thirty years I murdered, robbed, stole, assaulted, and hurt anyone and everyone to maintain this alter-ego. I eventually took over as “shot caller” of my gang.
When I went to CYA (DJJ), the county jail, and prison I did whatever it took to be the “shot-caller.” I did this because in my mind at the time I believed “shot callers” didn’t get touched. So in other words they don’t get victimized! So, that means I won’t get victimized and no one will make me feel like my father made me feel as a little boy.
But later on I found out that wasn’t the answer. I didn’t have to make an alter-ego that victimized others. By looking into myself and addressing my childhood and my character flaws I began to heal little by little.
Healed people, heal people! That’s what I do today. I work with and help people that are dealing with the same struggles that I once dealt with. Helping others is a huge part of my recovery. Today I know my internal and external triggers. I’m aware of the warning signs. By being aware it enables me to better deal with these situations when they present themselves and that’s when I put my coping skills into action.
No human deserves to be mistreated. Not you, not me, not anyone. Change doesn’t happen overnight. But a little work at a time will go a long way and eventually you’ll be that person you knew you could always be!