by Armando R. Gonzalez and Floyd D. Collins, San Quentin State Prison, CA
Ok Mr. Collins, the topic is “Building more trust.” Man, where do I begin? I guess first off for me, when I hear “Trust” I really hear vulnerability. When I think about trusting, I feel a mix of feelings, hurt, anxiety, excitement, longing, anger and hope.
In my past I believed trust was a sucker’s bet. Today, I see that trust is not a feeling. It’s a choice. A decision that sometimes is made intuitively but often needs to be re-evaluated and remade. This might include communicating new boundary lines, depending on the state, nature, dynamics of each relationship. Either way, trust is vital.
I’ve also learned that trust is not an all or nothing venture but rather an unfolding mutually inclusive adventure. A measure of trust is first extended relevant to context and circumstances. It looks like this: maybe I’m looking through the peep hole. My hand may or may not be on the door knob and I’m asking, “Who is it?” Or perhaps I’ve cracked the door open, “What do you want?” Or “How can I help you?”
After that it’s up to the other person to either gain more of my trust or lose what I’ve freely given. In order for me to choose to be vulnerable, I have to choose to walk in and live with faith and courage. It’s interesting to note that what takes faith and courage for me might come more naturally and easier for you depending on tendency and or life experiences. If mistrust, vengeance, and violence came natural for you, but trust forgiveness, and kindness do not, which takes more courage and faith for you to choose?
Speaking for myself, my experiences of growing up in chronic instability insecurity, abuse and violence infected my thinking with fear from an early age. Fear gives birth to rage. “Hurt people, hurt people,” true enough. But also, scared people do scary things. Living in survival mode for most of my life I’d learned to view trust as a liability. I was making decisions driven by fear, pain and shame.
Eventually, I joined forces together with other people also in denial about their own fear, pain and shame and we simultaneously protected and preyed upon each other and others. We prettied it up by calling it gang banging and thuggin’.
What’s that Mr. Collins? How do I think these experiences impacted my self-image? Thank you for that question. I guess I think of it in these terms. I picture myself standing in front of a huge mirror. When grandpa Toney teased four year old me by saying that one day my mom was going to leave me with him to go live her own life, it was like throwing a rock at that mirror.
When the eight year old me felt rejected by my step-mom that put a chip and a crack in the mirror. At six, when Uncle Tony picked me up and threw me against the wall punching and kicking me when I hit the ground while Grandma Lolli and Tia Lisa pointed and laughed at me, sledge-hammer.
Five years old, waiting with my little bags packed for dad to pick me up for a visit, but he never shows up, hammer time.
At age 11, when mom finally comes through on her threats to send me to live with dad and his wife if I didn’t act right, while making it seem as if I’d somehow betrayed her by going, “Bang!”
Being shot at 17 and then again at 19, “Smash!”
These blows and some more left the image of myself reflecting back at me, as well as the world around me and my place in it, cracked, broken, distorted and missing huge chunks of identity.
So as you might guess, I had a great deal of healing to do before I could begin to trust anyone. Especially myself. This healing has primarily been the fruit of my unfolding relationship the Lord, who has also been restoring me into right relationship with myself and others. I know that no matter what anyone thinks, says or does, he’s got me in the palm of his hand. So my ability to be vulnerable with others is really an extension of my choice to put my faith and trust in Jesus Christ.
How about you Mr. Collins can you share with me what you’re own relationship with trust looks like?
A Collaborative Conversation, Part 2
Allow me a moment to collect myself. That was so deep and raw Mando, and I value how you trust to share this with me and The Beat readers. I hear pain in your words. However, I see strength through the power of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in your character.
Trust, Mando, my thought process for so long has been TRUST NO ONE. WHO CAN BE TRUSTED? STILL NOT TO BE TRUSTED! One eye open, head on a swivel, no way to be or live. The fact is I’m in prison because what I felt was a betrayal. I chose to murder my ex-girlfriend, her name is Demetria. I realize today I wasn’t to be trusted and when someone (Demetria) broke my trust, I couldn’t accept it. I am and will always be wrong.
Trust for me is earned, I’m a skeptic of everyone. I’ve had trust broken between my mother and myself and it hurts. This broken trust has put our relationship as mother and son in a zone of limited existence. I related trust to a personal item I wouldn’t just let anyone use or have. So I’m skeptical about saying “I Trust” him/her, and this is due to my past relationships.
On the flip side God has blessed me with an angel. We will call her Ness. She changed my life and my world in so many ways. I can say I trust her, though ashamed to say at one time I gave her no reason to trust me. Why do we trust? How do we trust? Who do we trust? These questions scare me, though I know you have to trust someone in your life. Am I right? Then when I do trust I’m in constant fear of that trust being broken.
I will finish with these closing thoughts. One person you can trust is God, and I’ve grown to trust myself based on the love I’ve grown for self. Mando, I appreciate you for your vulnerability and honesty. Let’s trust that whoever reads this collaborative conversation will gain just a piece of clarity with any trust issues they may have.