by Patrick Demery, San Quentin State Prison, CA
Doubts have always been that obstacle with which I have struggled against the most. Sometimes I think they have stopped me from even attempting to succeed.
What’s that saying?
“You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”?
My doubts are those things that have kept me anchored and tied to the pier of life. Don’t get me wrong. My life has been a strange and adventurous journey, but I can only imagine what it could have been had I only conquered my doubts and fears.
There are some days when I am walking around with a smile on my face and hope people don’t think I am crazy. I mean, I am just starting the 30th year of my incarceration and I can’t really tell you what the parole board will say when I go to see them for the third time. So why am I walking around with this foolish grin on my face?
I guess it is because every day I take a few minutes to reflect on how far I have come and how much I have grown as a human being. I think back to how many times I was told I wouldn’t make it to 18 or 21 and realize that, God willing, I will turn 60 on my next birthday. I think back to how many times I doubted my ability to survive, doubted my value as a human being, or doubted my ability to contribute to society.
I smile because even with those crippling doubts I’m still standing. It took me a long time to realize that subconsciously I always knew I was stronger than I admitted. Did those doubts affect my life? Of course they did, but thankfully, they did not define my life. After all these years, I still have good health, people who support me, my existence has mattered, and I still have hope that one day I will walk out of these prison gates.
I realize that my life has value because children, my friends, and my family love me. Of that, I have no doubt.