by Efren Bullard, Ironwood State Prison in Blythe, CA
Hello to all the youngsters who find themselves locked up. It has been a while since I last sat down and spoke to you guys. I have been trying to free myself from prison.
On November 6th, 2022. I will have been incarcerated for 29 years. At the time of my incarceration I was eighteen years old. I will be 48 on November 19th. I was sentenced to double life without parole plus 22 years for the murders of David Happas and Scott Evans.
Now, even though I would love to be free, there is never an excuse to not sit down and speak to the youth and let them hear from a guy who truly regrets the fact that I was a gang member, drug dealer, alcohol abuser, criminal, robber, ignorant person, uneducated individual and a murderer.
I say these things to you guys because I truly want you to hear it from someone who used to live reckless and dangerous. After I came to prison, I continued to live that reckless, selfish, un-remorseful life style. I got to prison and went on a serious violent run and did over sixteen years in the SHU (Security Housing Unit). That’s the hole. Life didn’t get better for me until I took a hard look at myself and began to see that everything I did in life was my fault. I was the one who caused all of my problems. I made the choice to be a criminal. It was my criminal thinking and criminal behavior that landed me in prison.
Once I began to see that this was my fault, I was able to fix my behavior by understanding my past. That’s called (INSIGHT): An understanding of the true nature of something.
I had to go back to my past to understand who I was and how I wanted to be as a man today. I started to look at myself to find out what my character defects was when I got locked up. I was angry, selfish, reckless, and ignorant.
Once I was able to see that my flaws are the reason why I’m in prison, I started to address my problems by getting into (self-help groups). To name of few I took: Anger Management, Victim’s Awareness, Criminal Gangs Awareness, Narcotics Anonymous, and Alcohol Anonymous.
I found out that I was insecure and had lots of fears that I didn’t understand. I was lost in denial and was running around blaming others for the things I was doing because I was too scared to admit that I was the problem. I was able to learn about the things that are very important to rehabilitation. “INSIGHT, RESPONSIBILITY, and REMORSE.”
In this envelope I will be sending some things that believe will be very helpful to all the youth that are interested in life style recovery. Enclosed will be the “12 Steps for Alcohol and Narcotics Anonymous. Last but not least some words on, The Five AREA’S of The Board’s Discussion.
It’s just some things to think about while you are sitting in your room/cell/bunk. I hope these documents help you guys find yourself like it helped me figure out who I was in the past and who I want to be in the present/future.
It is never too late to change your behavior/actions. You are someone who has the ability to be better. All you have to do is take the first step and admit that you need help with drugs, gangs and alcohol. You’ll be on your way to rehabilitation. Take care and remember, “Each one teach one.”