Happy 26th anniversary to The Beat Within! It is a blessing to say that we have been going strong for this long! Who would have ever imagined The Beat Within would be touching so many lives? The power of our program speaks volumes as we continue to stay true to our mission to provide incarcerated youth (and adults) with consistent opportunities to share their ideas and life experiences in a safe space that encourages literacy, self-expression, some critical thinking skills, and healthy, supportive relationships with adults and their community. Outside of the juvenile justice system, The Beat Within partners with community organizations and individuals to bring resources to youth both inside and outside of detention. We are committed to being an effective bridge between youth who are locked up and the community that aims to support their progress towards a healthy, non-violent, and productive life. What an honor to be able to provide such a service and to be this stable and most consistent program to those inside, as well as to our partners in the community.
Before we pass the keyboard to OT, to share his take, we want to thank all our amazing colleagues, friends, partners, supporters, and allies, inside and outside of the system who embrace our work each week and who play a vital role in making The Beat Within the successful program and publication that it is today, as we continue to touch many lives from San Francisco (the mothership), to New Orleans, to Montana, to New Mexico, to Sacramento, San Diego, and various counties around the great state of California, as well as other parts of the USA. What a trip and journey this has been, and it is such an honor to share this ride with you all. All right, OT, take it away…
This is OT reporting live from the hot tropical, muggy and the lightning striking skies of Managua Nicaragua. Yeah, lighting struck outside my little meager two story apartment building and messed up the router, but anyways, lighting nor thunder nor Hurricane Ian will stop me from putting down some good game this week. Before I get into my spiel let me wish you all a positive day, week and month. I give y’all a warm embrace and I hope that these positive thoughts and vibes are transmitted to each and every one of you.
First off, I love all the writing I see from you writers and leaders of our community. A lot of you brothers and sisters are smart as heck, and even if you don’t know what you want to do for your career, education or job, I get the sense that many of you want to get out of the system, help your families and just enjoy life. I love hearing that. Many are loyal to yourselves, to your family and your communities.
But I must say, after reading all the great insight from many of you, I came across some great perspectives that helped me put my life and the definition of loyalty into perspective. See, I’m just like y’all and back then I was sitting in those same juvenile hall seats writing to The Beat. I was in my cell reading The Beat prompts and my peer’s poems to their girls, and essays on the said topics. My loyalty was to the streets. It wasn’t to my family. I was too blind to recognize the sacrifice that my family had made in coming to America from Nicaragua.
I didn’t recognize the fact that my uncle, which technically isn’t my uncle, he is just married to my aunt, was the one that paid thousands of dollars to bring me, my mom and my mom’s brother to the States.
Yeah, someone that isn’t even my blood, did that. Loyalty….Hmm, what’s loyalty? We all have our own definition based on our experiences, but damn, this man, didn’t have to do none of that. This man was already showing loyalty to my family before I even got to San Francisco, CA.
He paid someone so I could have a better life, (I was three years old when I landed in San Francisco), and when I look back, I never thanked him for it. His son would be the closest thing that I would experience to having a brother. And when my mom would beef with my sister’s dad, we would get kicked out and always go to his spot.
He would take me to Walgreens, or Safeway, or even JCPenney, and whatever he bought his son (my cousin), he would buy me too. Sometimes it was a toy like a dinosaur, or a transformer but he never treated me any different. This was a man, that’s married to my mom’s sister. He treated me like his own.
So when we acted up, y’all already know in Latino families, y’all act bad, you goin’ to get that butt whooped! To fast forward a bit, he watched me go to Juvenile Hall, disappear for two years, and every time I caught I case, he was one of the first ones to help out with lawyer money, or bail money (if that was an option). Yet, I decided to pledge my allegiance not to the United States of America, but I decided to pledge my allegiance to the block. But never once did he judge me or turn his back on me.
So I could write to you all and tell you about how loyal I was to my block, but after sharing this with you, it doesn’t even add up to the loyalty this man showed me. He wasn’t even my father. I always called him uncle, until I realized that he was the closest thing I ever had to a father. And even though he had his own faults, and even though he wasn’t always the best at communicating things, I remember this from him:
After doing about five years in Federal Prison and then getting deported to Nicaragua, he, and my Aunt of course, were the first people I saw. I was in Immigration in Nicaragua freshly deported, getting interviewed by their task force, and the police were interrogating me regarding my lifestyle. I was one of the last detainees out.
They live in South San Francisco, but in that moment, they were outside the airport in Nicaragua, Central America complaining to the police why I haven’t been released yet. I was one of the last detainees out of Immigration. When I first saw him, I gave him a hug, tears almost streaming down my face like raindrops in the wind, because I knew I let him down. He didn’t have to be waiting for me outside, yet his loyalty and his love for me was on full display.
I remember the first few words out of his mouth were, “I’m sorry my son, if I failed you as a father. I’m sorry if I ever hurt your feelings. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel less than what you are. Please forgive me.”
I started crying, because he ain’t never showed me nothing but love. He was always there for me, showing true loyalty, loyalty that I never returned back to him. And here he is asking me for forgiveness for his shortcomings…
I told him, “Don’t apologize. You were a great dad/uncle. I love you. I chose to do wrong. It’s not your fault. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”
He told me, “You’re my son, and I will always forgive you.”
We hugged and we cried for a minute or two. His humbleness really surprised me and touched my heart, but he had no reason to apologize. Even though he wasn’t the most perfect person, he showed me love, and he showed me loyalty. I just chose to ignore it. I chose to run the streets.
I was raised right. I have manners. My family showed me love, even though they did insult me, and beat me, and hurt me at times, it wasn’t their fault. That’s how they were raised. They were old fashioned. They didn’t understand the pressures of the street life, but I never held that against them. They never went to school in the United States. We were the first generation kids to do that. I never make excuses for my decisions. Like you young folks like to say, “It is what it is.”
Well, it is what it ain’t. I can tell you about my loyalty to the streets all day, but there ain’t nothing like the loyalty this man showed me. I was the one that messed up, yet he wanted to apologize for his shortcomings. Trust me when I tell you that even when your family shows you disdain, negative criticism, or flat out talks shhh to you, it’s not because they don’t love you. It’s because they want to see you do better. But all we see it as is something negative and then we turn around and say our family don’t love us.
Remember, if they didn’t give a shhh about you they never would’ve said anything in the first place. That’s like anyone who tells you crap to your face. Whether that be your girl/boyfriend, your best friend, your counselor, your teacher, your aunt, your uncle, your cousin; the people that criticize you and know that you can do better are the ones that are most loyal to you.
That’s real loyalty. They are willing to risk their relationship with you just to be honest and tell you what you need to hear so you can do better with yourself and with your life. Listen to those people. loyalty ain’t about you ladies and gentlemen telling me that you’re loyal to your block or hood. Loyalty is about the acts that someone that loves you showed you, but you were too ignorant to listen or see.
I just want you all to look at those people in your lives that are there in the good times, and the bad times, trying to tell you what you can do better so you don’t keep falling back into these bumps on the road.
After all, while you are driving, before you duck and dodge these bumps and ditches on the road, we expect there to be signs, telling us to watch out. That’s exactly what your loved ones are doing. That’s real Loyalty. They are telling you to watch out! Don’t get it twisted!
OT is signing out with the utmost love and respect for each and every one of you. The Beat keeps going and going…
We truly appreciate the wisdom OT shares in his message, as this is what The Beat Within is about and has been about for 26 years, us writers, artists, and teachers sharing stories to help uplift ourselves and our communities, so we do not fall further into the traps of the system. In honor of our first issue, the death of 2Pac, and The Beat Within doing this great work since September 1996, as we are in this until the wheels fall off, we salute you contributors for the courage you have to share your wisdom and art in our pages, with the ultimate goal of making this world, our world a better place! Here’s to 26 more solid years! Remember, your voices, your stories are more important now than ever before! Rise up and be heard!