by Flo, San Quentin State Prison, CA
I never gave much thought to the reason why I enjoyed the company of others as an adolescent. For as long as I could remember I have always been this extroverted social butterfly. I was both a good student and class clown. Even in serious discussions I can conjure a joke. I was an entertainer. On the surface it seemed pretty healthy. There was no real harm in that, no signs of dysfunction right? However, there were a bevy of underlying issues not realized.
I was in an abusive household. Fear, lead me to the decision to run away from home at thirteen. I fled. I was green (i.e. inexperience). I was completely oblivious to what the unpredictable, un-biased, unrelenting and yielding streets had to offer a child. My greatest test, my fork in the road, manifested in my fears and insecurities.
At thirteen, if a person were to come up to me, no, if an older me were to approach a younger me and attempt to explain to my young self the reasons why I developed unhealthy attachments to people, why I put so much unhealthy value into un-earned affection, explain to me why I left home. I’m sure I wouldn’t have comprehended. I would have likely been in denial.
On my own, thirteen to nineteen. There are studies that can confirm how pivotal those years are in a person’s life. I put that duration into perspective, high school, junior high, and the start of college. I believe those years are a teenager’s most influential. In those years my word was being shaped by two left hands. There was no balance, no consistency. My satisfactions were as temporary as my cognizance. What’s worse than confusion, pain, insecurities, indecision? To me, it’s not even knowing that I’m suffering from them all. Explosion via explosion.
A myriad of bad decisions later, and I have arrived. I am officially a prison number, and indeterminate resident of the Salinas Valley State Prison and I’m currently being told by an old lifer that I’m being groomed for leadership. Huh? Leadership? Groomed? By those same two left hands? LOL! SMH.
As much as us human beings just loves to blame shift and elude accountability, still when it’s all said and done we all have the ability to make choices. The greatest test came a new, now it re-emerged in the form of grown man choices. I made the choice to face my fears and answer myself the most vulnerable questions.
I made the choice to introspect. I’m telling you it’s crazy what you find under the couch cushions. Love for thyself! With that came insight, courage, faith, intellect, resilience and me! I’ve been in that dark place this whole damn time?
My greatest test came in the form of a searching expedition, now for the greatest test.