by CT, Sacramento
I swear this is the hardest part and time of my life. I never thought I would be here on December 7th, 2021. This day is far more important than any day of the year. Three hundred sixty-five days and this one day I was supposed to do something special. This is my daughter’s first birthday!
No one can understand the pain that I have today. I’m supposed to be there and I’m not. I was supposed to be there to help blow out her candles and give her kisses all over her beautiful face. I miss her more than anything in the world and that won’t ever change. I’m upset. I’m furious at myself that I couldn’t be there today.
I don’t know if this pain will even go away because it’s the thought that won’t leave my brain. I don’t even have the words to say. I wish I was home more than anything. A birthday card is good but not good enough. I feel empty, lost.
It’s my fault I can’t be there for her birthday because of my decisions that I made. I wish I can get those moments back. I can’t though. It hurts writing poems or writing about it because I want to be able to pick my daughter up and hold her. I just wish she won’t forget about who I am when I go home. She will know that I am her dad.
It’s hard for me to move past what happened and what still hurts me. I lost moments I can’t get back, moments I was supposed to be there, and it hurts I wasn’t. Her birthday party is on Sunday the twelfth. Everybody is supposed to be there.
My family, her family, and all I have to do is sit in jail and wish I was home. I can’t get these moments I pray for back. I’m going to be there for every Halloween, Thanksgiving, and birthday after this. I want to go home for her birthday. This was my wish. I’m tired of being here every day waking up and doing the same thing in rotation.
I don’t understand. Is this God’s plan? Is this what He wants out of me? To come back to jail and learn from my mistakes? Understanding my pain knowing that I won’t be there for these holidays makes me want to be there more than anything. I miss my family. Please let me go home for these holidays to spend time with my family and be there for my daughter in every way.