by Angel Hurtado, Solano County Jail in Fairfield, CA
I can’t stop, nothing has shown me some kind of direction
Again I sit here hating myself with overwhelming disappointment
I can’t stop, why is that?
Chasing the satisfaction of death
Now that’s just facts
I can’t stop, blaming others for all my pain and sufferings
But realizing that I’m the one sweeping my feet right from under me
I can’t stop
Living my life on the edge like I’m senseless
Now look at me stuck in a cell looking at a life sentence
I can’t stop
Just for a second to think on what I can do better
But just putting my thoughts on paper
Hoping that I’ll come back to this later
I can’t stop
Wondering when will be on top
Instead of another victim handcuffed, getting beat up by cops
I can’t stop
Putting the devil into my veins
With every poke it’s all starting to feel the same
I can’t stop
My addiction gots a hold on me
Grabbing me by the throat always making it hard to breathe
I can’t stop
With causing all this pain
With every moment I waste my life just starts to fade away
I can’t stop
Letting it go any further
Thoughts of making it stop is only a suicide letter
I can’t stop
Not ever wanting help
Only wanting the things that made my brain melt
I can’t stop
Why is that?
Looking like bones nowhere close to fat
I need to stop
And really think about myself
And all the danger I’ve caused to my physical health
I need to stop
Because time is so damn precious
24 hours in a day after that we’re talking past tense
I need to stop
Play with my life because I’m going to end up dead or badly hurt
Calling my family from a hospital bed
Will I stop?
I hope so
The longer I take the more further I push away from home
Only wishing I’d just listen to everyone who tried to push and point me in the right direction
And tried to help me clean up all my messes
As I write this, I’m truly starting to realize one thing
That I really need to be selfish and start loving me
Because where there’s no hope, you got to stay true in faith
Your moment is coming your way
So you have to believe that anything is possible
So no matter what
Truly believe.
Stop