-Efren Bullard, Ironwood State prison in Blythe, CA
“We continued daily to take personal inventory of ourselves, and whenever wrong, have the courage to honestly admit it.”
This step is very serious because a lot of us believe that we never took personal inventory of ourselves, meaning our wrongs. I used to take personal inventory all the time. The difference is this:
Every time I harmed someone I used to sit in the hole and think about how I could’ve hurt the individual even worse then he was already harmed. I would say to myself, “If I would’ve held him like this I could have hit him like this, which would have done max damage.”
I would be in the yard with a knife looking to hurt people and would be saying, “I wish someone would say anything to me!”
I would be fighting someone and would be thinking about how I could pick them up and slam them on their neck. Personal inventory was taken all the time — for the wrong reasons. That’s called negative thinking.
Man, if I could go back and start all over I would have never chosen this life of ignorance. November sixth, 2023 will be thirty years that I’ve wasted in prison. The personal inventory allows you to see who you were in the past and will help you turn your life around if you’re serious. It’s called “insight.”
When you gain insight into your past, that means you are being responsible and when you are responsible, you have remorse for all the wrongs you committed in your life. That’s called “empathy.”
Now, I take personal inventory for the right reasons. The purpose for this step is so that you can learn about yourself and learn how to make better decisions so that you can get out and be a better human being.
What prevented you from taking personal inventory for the right reasons in the past are: drugs, alcohol, anger, aggression, cruelty, denial, greed, hate, negative thinking, arrogance, dishonesty, selfishness, callousness, and being ignorant. These are character defects that we are living with.
These character defects are the reasons we are in a room or cell right now. The moment you start taking that personal inventory, you will see that you are on the wrong path. That’s when change can come into your life. You will see that jail is not the best place for you or anyone else. Then you can learn how to conduct yourself so that when you get out, you can stay out and never return.
Thirty years is too long. I’ve been locked up since November 6th, 1993. I was eighteen years old and I was sentenced to Life Without the Possibility of Parole plus twenty-two years. I’m now forty-eight years old. “I would give up both legs and arms to be free.”
I wish I never joined a gang. I wish I never pulled the trigger and murdered David and Scott. I wish I never met the old friends I had in the past. I made the wrong choices and I truly regret it every day of my life because I threw my whole life away. Wake up before you end up like me.
Go in your mind and take a look at your past and change your future.