by Harry Goodall, San Quentin State Prison, CA
I remember there was a time I was looking for acceptance. There was a lack of after school programs at the time. The government had just removed funding for those type of things. It was tough because they had even cut welfare, implementing a work for relief program.
I idolized the movies I was watching on TV and on the big screen. These were movies like Boys In The Hood and Menace to Society. These movies promoted Black on Black crimes and the drug life. It showed young people drinking 40 ounce beers and smoking weed. I wanted to be just like these people. I remember that my cousin, brother and I all created fake drug sales. We would sell small pieces of candy as if it were crack cocaine.
I remember that a new family moved in the front of the duplex we stayed in. This was a typical family of an older daughter and younger son. There was not much special about this family. They had unique stories to tell of what it was like to live on the other side of town. I felt that their sister was sexy. She had to be around seventeen at the time. Almost a grown woman to my then 13 year old self. The family had friends that came over to visit them. One of the people had a nice Cadillac. It had a fresh paint job on it and a nice sound system. The guy would have been the perfect car salesman when it came to talking about the gang he was from. He said that no one messed with him no matter where he went to hang out because of where he was from. I can’t say that I understand. See, I took it personal at the time. I assumed that those around me would have done the same if they had no food in their home. Looking at these dudes that now stood in the front of the duplex reminded me of looking at some dudes in a rap video. They had jewelry on and nice clothes. I didn’t know how they got it all, but I wanted a part of it. I needed to be a part of it and if this gang made this happen for them it had to make it happen for me. I had never been a gang member and at that point, no one could tell me that I didn’t want to be one. There was something in my mind that told me this would turn my tables. Keep in mind that I had got straight A’s in school up to that point. If there ever were a time that I wish I had listened this would have been it.
I remember a few days later I was walking home and got jumped by two people. I had never felt that afraid in my life. I had no understanding of why except that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. This made me feel that I wanted to be a part of their gang. The down side was the gang was from the East side of town and we lived on the West Side.
Going to the park where these guys hung out seemed spooky. It was the first time I had saw so many young men in one area. Some of them had small circles that they hung in. The park was so filled with teens that it looked like a mini city that was packed. A small part of me was afraid. I wasn’t that big of a kid. There wasn’t much food snack wise that we had. Also I assumed that vitamins started costing too much because we no longer had any in our household.
The down side was the I was too far away from the East Side. But I was born over there so I had a pass. I remember that one guy said I was too smart for this. I took this as a challenge to my manhood. If there ever was a time that I wish I had listened, this would have been it.
After I got jumped in a small part of me felt part of a community. I remember that I had got hit in the eye. It was swollen by the time I got home. My dad asked me what had happened and I lied about it. This should have told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should have stayed away. But I kept on chasing evil and had no hope or direction in the process. I went around and did crazy things.
Most of the crimes I committed was because someone had told me that I was too smart to be from a gang. And oddly this was an actual gang member. If there ever was a time that I wish I would have listened this would have been it.
Maybe part of him was right. Some people say that other people can see mistakes in your life before you can, and the ripple effect of the decision that I made was already in wave form. I had no idea of the state I was in emotionally. I didn’t see it that way at the time. I was too close to the edge of insanity and could not see any light or way out.
There was no way for me to turn the table. If there was a reset button it needed to be hit. I dropped out of school at this point. I remember a probation officer had pulled over and stopped me from participating in a fight. She told me to stop and get my life together before I ended up on her caseload. I had no idea what she was talking about. If there ever was a time that I wish I would have…listened, this would have been it.
There are so many things about my past that I wish didn’t happen. There are so many things I wish I could forget. There are so many things that I wish I could turn back the hands of time I would. But what I am learning is it isn’t about trying to undo the past. That can’t be done. But what I can do is rebuild my future. I can see who I was meant to be. It took me learning to listen. This was hard because I felt that I had never been listened to in my past.
So, if I can offer you any words of advice it would be never drown out your conscious. They are things that you can’t do because you were born a great person. In addition if someone tells you to slow down before your Higher Power sits you down, please listen.
You don’t want to end up like me saying, “If there ever were a time that I wish I had listened, this would have been it.”