by Lil Gucc, San Mateo
What keeps me going every day is a battle with my own thoughts. I barely sleep because my thoughts keep me up all night. I guess the saying that “You’re your own worst enemy” is true. My thoughts always go directly to the worst possible scenario. I think a simple question like, I wonder what my girl is doing? And suddenly I’m thinking that she’s probably out there embarrassing me, dogging me, and playing me. Well, my mind goes way deeper than that, but I’m trying to keep this appropriate.
If you’ve ever had a girlfriend while in jail you know exactly what I’m talking about. Well, I’m from San Francisco, so if you’re not from there you probably wont understand what I’m getting at, but to keep it short and simple, you have to watch your girl at all times in the city.
Back to my point, my mind goes very deep. Even though it’s good to be a hard thinker, jail is not a nice place to be deep in thought. My thoughts turn hostile on me. An example is going from wondering how my mom is doing, and then out of nowhere I’m asking myself the greasiest questions ever. Like what if my mom died while I’m up in here and nobody told me? Or what happens if they told me but I’m not able to go to the funeral because of COVID? I’m telling you, I come up with some of the most bizarre scenarios in the world.
You might be reading those laughing, like I’m just overthinking stuff. Even I laugh at myself sometimes. But believe me, I’m going through it while thinking about this stuff. It feels like Big Foot got mad and decided to put on some Timberland boots and not just stomp on my chest but also jump on it like I’m a jumpy house or something.
If you’re not able to relate to the other two you can for sure relate to this. You don’t even have to have been in any type of jail to feel this. If you’ve ever been in a group home, foster home, homeless, or just emotionally distraught you probably felt this one. The feeling of nobody answering when you call. You might be thinking, who cares? Just try calling again next time. But there’s a reason they call being locked up being “down.” That’s actually how you feel for the majority of the time and sometimes you just need emotional reassurance. Someone to tell you everything is going to be cool.
When nobody answers that phone my mind automatically goes to the worst thoughts. Like, maybe they don’t love me anymore or they don’t want to deal with me anymore. My go-to is that they must have just forgotten about me. They don’t care anymore. It doesn’t matter who I call. It could be my sister, my mom, my granny, my uncle, my aunties, or even my girl. But if they don’t answer, it hurts.
I don’t know about you, but just being locked up hurts me. There have been a lot of days where I don’t wake up in the morning and I have to really think about what keeps me going. I have two little sisters that I have to protect and that I have made promises to. I have a mom who wants to see her son do better. I have big brothers who are still rooting for me. I have a grandma (well, two) and I miss their cooking. Believe it or not, I still find it hard some days. Even with all that motivation. I guess it’s still hard because I’m a little bit selfish. So, I added a little bit of self-motivation to keep me going. Every day I work out, read, and write, and for the most part all of it makes me feel better and they are good ways to kill time.
Reflection also keeps me going. I try to not only recognize what I did wrong, but also take accountability for what I did wrong and tell myself I can do better. Telling myself I can do better gives me a lot of hope. I can admit that I wasn’t the best son, I wasn’t the best big brother, and I wasn’t the best boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean I can’t ever be. I just have to put my mind to it and remind myself that I am capable. Bettering myself by getting stronger, smarter, and more aware every day keeps me going. I’m going to keep bettering myself until I can’t anymore.