by Jacob
In my cell I’m praying to God that I want to change
Turn around I hear a voice it’s my brother baby J
He tellin’ me stop messing up before it’s too late
His hand is reaching towards me saying it’ll be ok
Then I turn around and cry can’t look him in the face
All I say maybe it’d be different if you was here today
Maybe mom and dad would be together and it wouldn’t be this way
Turn around I tell him to stay don’t leave me in this cage
Yelling that I’m losin all hope he said you can’t lose faith
Then he said God’s on yo’ side even when you feel betrayed
He reaches his hands out towards me, I grab ‘em and we pray
Tears droppin’ off my cheeks it’s so hard to concentrate
Tellin’ me don’t blame our family they always loved you
I promise that they never gave up just didn’t know what to do
Then I said, “How you know that I know they wanted to?”
They never wanted me around so they sent me to my room
All I got was the leftovers never really got shhh new
I know that you seen everything you know that that’s the truth
I know you seen our mom let him beat me black and blue
She turned a blind eye and looked away so all alone I had uh go through
All those sleepless nights I stayed up hoping I’ll be cool
Tell me why she looked away and said it’s untrue
Then he grips my hands even tighter, “Gotta change your point of view
Gotta put yo’ self in moms shoes, she deserves a re-do
You don’t see the night’s mom crying wishing she did right
Thinking where you at is her fault she wants to rewind
Go back to all the times she turned a blind eye
Now our own mom’s having all those messed up sleepless nights
Waking up out of her dreams to just sob and cry
‘Cause she knows when she sees you she can’t be by your side
Got to talk through a glass wall or through the phone line
Beggin’ you just to do good saying please don’t fight
Even after everything you did she wants to hold you tight
She don’t see you how others do, she sees another side
Moms looks at you as her baby who deserves one last try”
Then I tell my brother I’m sorry I blamed her this whole time
Then I tell him don’t forget about the shhh that dad did
Comin’ home drunk off his ass since I was a lil’ kid
Waking us up on school nights ‘cause he’s drunk as shhh
Then we tell him calm down because he’s trippin’
He goes outside gets in his car he won’t listen
Tries to start it up and leave us but we won’t let him
Now we start crying beggin’ him don’t leave and get hit
Gramma and grandpa come outside telling him to cool it
We just want him inside safe for his own benefit
I should be in a house sleepin’ not tryin’ to babysit
Finally he gets out of his car he goes inside the crib
Then my brother raises his voice you don’t know what he did
You don’t know how much he struggled just to see you guys
Went to court back to back to have you in his life
On top of that in a court room momma always tellin’ lies
Saying that our dad’s a druggie and he always getting high
So now they come and snatch y’all up couldn’t even say goodbye
The messed up part was you just a check in our mom’s eyes
Couldn’t be with our dad alone always had to be supervised
Even to this day our mom can’t tell him I apologize
She aint think about how all of this, it left ya’ll traumatized
After hearing this jus’ sit back and try to visualize
Three little kids back and forth they don’t know why
Because of what mom did to him to this day he’s barely getting by
After that I couldn’t stop crying saying it’s all my fault
Then he tells me I gotta own up to everything I done
Got to stop blaming other people for all your actions
You need to start believing in yo-self that’s what you lackin’
I know that you are a good person even in those shackles
God knows you truly are sorry the night everything happened
Then I ask him how you know that ‘cause you always askin’
That God forgives you only for that one sin
Then I tell her I didn’t think y’all were ever listening
I guess that means you always heard when I was praying
Beggin’ God that He’ll change me in the way I’m acting
That’s when I opened my eyes and I was all alone
All I kept screaming is why you’d had to go
Saying that I need you here so much more I need to know
Then I hear you in my ear whisper don’t lose hope
All I’m thinking is how I’m gonna be able to cope
Knowing we may never talk again and all this is my fault
Then I thought about you always will be in my heart
And everything that I done can’t blame anyone but myself
And to never stop asking for God’s help
Now the same thing’s repeating in my head I gotta tell.