-John, San Quentin State Prison, CA
I came to this country when I was sixteen with an unrealistic self-concept of what being successful looks like. Unfortunately, I did not have the grades nor the language to achieve those unattainable goals. Without a clean path to succeed, I just adapted and pretended to be more than I was. It was a costly practice.
As a young adult, I worked for lawyers, politicians, and other extremely rich, powerful and successful people, by societal standards. I learned to talk like them, dress like them and think like them because I thought I wanted to be them.
I really tried to embody the image of an aloof competent, and successful professional. But I had a dark secret. My darkest secret was that I suffered from low self-esteem, a constant anxiety from my imposture syndrome. I was a fraud waiting to be exposed.
Because of this secret, my entire personality slowly became distorted. I had to keep people from a distance away, never too close, never too intimate, never the whole truth. I anticipated, planned, worried about the future all the time, so that I didn’t accidentally make a fool out of myself in public.
Unbeknownst to me, though, I was trying to be anyone else but me. I felt like I wasn’t enough and that I was not lovable. This persona I became, the faux facade, wasn’t really who I was. It was a proxy, so that if I got rejected my core identity was untouched. I would be unhurt.
The cost to maintain this persona was destructively high. The most harmful effect was that the real me deep inside never got to see the sunlight, be nourished, grow, love, or be loved. I can’t imagine how different my life would be if I knew my value, accepted my flaws and had the confidence to know that I’m lovable. Only if I knew that I was brave and authentic, as I connected with people in my world.
I lament the wasted efforts to try to sound smart. Now, I only hope I can sound like me; the real me.