-Aorrell, Mule Creek State Prison in Ione, CA
Being in prison and losing my younger brother to gun violence has been by far the hardest and most challenging thing I have ever had to experience. Usually, I know all the right words to say, but through my constant flow of tears, insurmountable pain, combined with the harsh reality of being trapped inside of a world of pain. It’s hard to find the right word to say.
Where do I even begin? Never once did I ever imagine a life without him. It seems like yesterday when we were kids. I think about how we goofed off together. Like all siblings we fought over the dumbest things, the struggles we went through, but most importantly how we always stood up for one another when it counted.
We all have the power of free will, to choose good over evil, and right over wrong. Eleven years ago, I chose to commit a serious violent crime which landed me here in prison for twenty-six years.
In addition, through my decision to cause harm, I paid the ultimate price of not only missing my two daughters grow up, but I missed my brother’s funeral. I was deprived of the opportunity to grieve and be there for my family when they needed it the most.
However, the poor choices and decisions my brother chose to cost him his natural life. My own bad choices brought me to prison. Since my incarceration I have gotten a glimpse of the pain I’ve caused.
We all have flaws. We all make bad decisions. Sometimes in life, some of us make decisions that doesn’t always break down so easily into choices the rest of us can understand. I understand the dysfunctional decisions some of us make. It took coming to prison and losing everything to finally understand where my pain begins and where it ends.
I empathize with others from a sense of compassion. My dysfunctions were all rooted in childhood trauma. I was hurt. As a result, I went through life wanting the world around me to feel my pain.
To my young brothers and sisters, I imagine the pain and suffering some of you have experienced in your own lives. Maybe those painful experiences left scars that never seems to heal. I want to leave you all with my blueprint of how to navigate your way through the pain.
Draw yourself closer to those you love. Never be afraid to express your hurts and pain. Learn how to lean on God for your strength.
Just know this, nothing is just. Everything we go through in life prepares and strengthens us for something else. Embrace the struggle. Focus only on the moment and become best friends with empathy, compassion and forgiveness. Find a way to turn your pain into purpose, like I now have.
Stay strong and remain in faith. If you ever feel like you’re losing everything, remember that trees lose their leaves every year. They still stand tall and wait for better days to come. You are the future.
Elevate out there. I got faith in you.