I open my eyes, mostly to blink away the tears. My gaze falls upon
a pile of a fabric at the end of my bed. Under a thick layer of dust
there are multiple patterns and colors. My blankets. They come in
and out of focus as I think about my past, the things I’ve done, who I
am. If I’m honest with myself, I can see why people say I’m arrogant
and selfsh and proud. I can see why people say I’m cold, I’m hard
and I’m only interested in winning.
Maybe I deserve this. Maybe I should just give up and die. It
would be easy, so beautifully easy. Muscles I didn’t even know were
tensed let go and relax, ready to let me slip away.
Before I give into the darkness, a feeble voice fghts back. It
tells me: “No, you don’t deserve this. Maybe you’re a bad, horrible
person, but this isn’t right. No one deserves this. No one.”read more
I believe that in order to succeed I need love from my family and support from my peers and friends. It is very important that I have my freedom, so I will abstain from being sent to correctional facilities. I need an education and I need to work hard in order to be successful. The most important thing I need is to be happy, for I cannot be successful if I am not happy. In order for me to be happy, I need to be with the people I care about and I need to do the things I like. In the future, I need to make sure the things I do are positive so I do not end up in here again.
There is nothing I want more than my freedom and to be with my family. Those things would push me toward success. I also require to be more patient and calmer. I also need to think my actions out more thoroughly and be careful with whom I associate. I must make sure that I take the correct path toward success and a better life.read more
Why am I always drawing skulls? Maybe it’s because I’m super grateful to have one, and whenever I feel like I don’t have anything I remember I have a skull and I can feel my bones dancing according to the beat of the ground. Oh it feels round, and now that time has come I can finally accept myself for what I stand for.
I love music, good graces to you and everyone reading this. I love you, don’t forget that.
And if you’re ever alone and forget, remember you got a skull, remember you’re alive, and remember their blood naming water and moving ground, hear that sound.
We’re all learning to be something, someone better. We’re all growing to live, to love. Now tell me, can you see, can you feel the way you used to be as a young child, or when you’re riding on this infinite road mile after mile? We’re all getting there. When, who knows but let’s keep on trying though, because if we don’t, then what are we, who and what exactly?read more
It is your duty to free your mind. If your mind is not free, you’ll never win. Not mentally. Your mind will be locked in chains. The love and support of others may help but truly only you can free yourself. It takes time, practice, and learning. But if you keep a positive mindset you’ll get through it.
You must understand that everything you’re going through is temporary. It’s all a test but only you decide if you pass or fail. This chapter in your life is called growth, and it’s up to you whether you reach a hard word and quit the book, or overcome that obstacle and move to the next chapter.
As Assata Shakur said, “It is out duty to ght for our freedom. It is our duty to win. We must love each other and support each other. We have nothing to lose but our chains.”
I wonder what they’re all about? You know. Those nightmares, man. I had one last night. I was trapped in a cage. I was a wolf with blue eyes. I had blood on my fur, scars on my skin, those scars of guilt in my heart. On my heart. I wish it would all stop. I ask God to come into my heart. I say: “Please, God, will you help my mom and my heart? I can’t take it anymore.”
I walk around with a smile while deep down I want to cry. I want these nightmares to end. Until then, I will be in my room trying to ght my wars. I’ve managed to stay away from the killers – you know, drugs, weed, cancer sticks – but I’m trapped, clawing at the door, barking, “Help me, please.”
From the day I got out of my Mom’s womb to the day they bury me six feet under, I’m in control of my destiny. I believe no matter what circumstances we lie in or how bad we got it, our life is de ned by our decisions.
My decision making in the past got me where I’m at now but I won’t let my past dictate my future. I control my own destiny, so with that being said, I declare myself accountable for the steps I’ll take to get there. I see myself being “the man” when I age to my thirties. My de nition of being “the man” is being nancially free with the mentality of being broke.
I plan on attending school and staying in school long enough to learn everything I can about owning and running businesses. I know becoming an entrepreneur isn’t the easiest thing in the world, but what’ growing without challenges? Besides my career, I de nitely need support in order to stay in school and keep my goals in mind.read more
Remembering my last hug
before I got locked up makes me upset.
I hugged my little brother and told him I love him. Turned around and told my sister the same thing. She hugged me tight and called me her sweetheart, before I walked out the door
not knowing what was waiting for me.
My house was surrounded before it was raided,
I turned back to see my sister crying,
panicking not knowing what’s happening to her baby brother. I got locked up right in front of her.
Forgiving is hard, especially forgiving ourselves. I’ve always been the type of person to hold grudges and make silent moves, but when it comes to forgiving myself I just can’t do it.
I feel like the reason people believe in God is the idea that God can help them forgive themselves, but God has abandoned me.
So many choices from my past are coming back to haunt me every night. It’s like I’m living in a horror movie. I can never forgive myself for the things I’ve done since a young age. The streets swallowed me and turned me into something or someone I’ll never be able to forgive.
I wish I could forgive myself and be at peace with myself, but that’ll never happen the way I am living. Maybe one day I’ll stop carrying heat and selling dope, I just hope that won’tv be my last day. Until then I guess I’m just a child of the ghetto.read more
Life has many pains; emotional pains, physical pains, etc. You can’t really measure pain but we all endure it. Everyone thinks his or her life is so hard and so bad when in reality someone always has it worse.
I think emotional pain is the worst because emotions are so complicated. Sadness can lead to anger, and anger can lead to physical pain—not only to yourself but to others also. Everything connects and pain, happiness, and anger seems like the glue to keep someone from falling apart, or it could be what makes someone break down, depending on the perspective. I mean you might like to be happy or maybe you like to be sad or angry, because that is who you are. If you don’t actually want to be happy, you won’t ever be able to actually be happy. Yeah, pain can keep you down, but you have to ip your perspective to a positive mentality. You cannot let what happened in the past dictate your future, no matter how right it seem.read more
One thing I’ve always wanted from my parents but never gotten is something a lot of my peers take for granted, their love. Most kids grow up getting hugs and hearing their parents say, “I love you”. Even if their situation wasn’t perfect they could always fall back on that. But for me it was different.
I can’t remember a single time in my life that my parents did either of those things. More often than not I felt the hard blow of my father’s hand, or heard the screams of my mother telling me to die already. Even to this day the one thing I’ve wanted but never gotten was my parents’ love. Yet I can’t say that it hasn’t made me stronger. Not being loved by anyone only taught me the value of my own love, how much I love myself and how protective I am of those I love. Not being loved has taught me how powerful love really is.read more