My Guilt, My Mom

by Wester

Mi pobre madre.  I’m sorry for all I’ve done to you.  You don’t deserve a thing that my brothers and I have put you through.  You deserve nothing but the best.  You’re the strongest person that I know, by far.

I know it wasn’t easy raising three troubled boys all alone.  I remember those long days waiting for you to come home from work as a little kid.  Now I wait for you to come visit me from this institution.  I’ve put you through a lot since I was a little kid.  Always going to school meetings and picking me up from school because I got suspended.

Don’t even get me started with my other brothers.  As I sit in that visiting room waiting for you to walk through the metal door, excited yet nervous, just thinking of all the stuff I put you through.  Despite my wrongs, you still manage to make time to see me at my worst.  As I get up and give you a big hug and kiss to make up for the days I didn’t see you, I just think to myself, “I’m no alone.”  It’s crazy to me how after all I’ve done, you still are right behind me, supporting me. That is when I feel the most guilty  When you make everything look like it’s all right but deep down inside we both know it’s not.

You give me a smile I’m very familiar with, and I just look into your eyes as if deep down inside I’m screaming I’m sorry.  You are familiar with my look as well.  So your eyes instantly shed a tear.  I see all the hurt of the past quickly because I don’t want you to see me in this position.  You hold both my hands and comfort me with your words. I feel as if the hour flies by and I quickly snap back to my reality.

As staff says “visits are over.”  I feel the anger and pain rise inside of me. Just wishing I could walk away with you and assure you that everything is going to be all right.  You don’t deserve any of this.  I’m sorry madre mia, words can’t explain my love for you.