When I was sitting in the back of that police car, I was thinking about a lot of things. I already have bad anxiety and PTSD so I was having lots and lots of flashbacks on my life. I was thinking a lot about my family, of me not being able to go back home, thinking wow, what a failure. I am thinking about all of those promises that I made. That I was going to change my ways and be a better person. And thinking about how many people that I let down.
I had a really bad memory of me coming home and finding out that my own daughter who was only two years old passed away of a brain tumor and me not being able to be there with her and me being able to be a good father because of my stupidity and being locked up. And that was when everything changed for me as a person. That loss to me felt like everything. Me coming home and finding out that news.
I then just quit caring about everything. I got into drugs, stealing cars, boosting cars, selling drugs, drinking to the point of me waking up till I passed out. Money, drugs, and girls were all that I had on my mind and that’s all I had. When you make that first 12,000 dollars, money becomes a drug. I was making lots of money doing those horrible things. And the one time that I had a chance to prove myself, I messed up again by getting back into my old habits and now I’m back in here feeling lost, alone, and not knowing what I’m going to do.
It’s so hard not knowing or having any knowledge really at all and those people around me. I can’t do it anymore. I’m done. Sharing this with anybody is hard and I’m scared to do anything because of me feeling like I’m going to fail and let my family down again.